2/26/06 Dateline, Portland Oregon.
The Slim Fast Foods Company, makers of the diet drink product "Slim Fast,"were shocked to learn that they were being sued by a Portland Oregon woman who accidentally ate her own finger after being on the Slim Fast diet only three days. Ethel Cromely, a 36 year old receptionist for a Portland law firm, decided to sue the Slim Fast Co. claiming gross negligence and false advertising in their commercial slogan "A Slim Fast for breakfast, another for lunch, and a sensible meal for dinner."Apparently by the time Ms. Cromely made it home for her evening meal, she was famished. So hungry, in fact, that she claims she actually ate one of her own fingers by mistake while consuming her take home bucket of KFC. Ms. Cromely claims that she was "so freakin' starved" that she never even felt the pain when she bit her own finger off. It wasn't until she noticed the blood leaking onto her order of curly fries that she even realized what she had done. "At first I thought it was katsup, but then I remembered that I don't use katsup on my fries. I use mayonaise."
"Slim fast is a sham." She claims. "I was only on their diet three days, and I swear I was so hungry everyday I couldn’t stop drooling. When I finally grabbed that bucket of chicken, I had lost all control. I bit through it all, bones, gristle, fat, everything. Somehow my index finger on my right hand must have gotten between my teeth and the chicken leg, and I, in my ravished state, just never noticed."
"It was a real mess." she recalls. "I had to pour out my diet Pepsi and use the ice to numb the bloody mangled stump."Slim fast officials could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman was to reportedly have stated "While we feel an overwhelming amount of sympathy for the loss Ms. Cromely has suffered, we must also state that she is a fat pig-cow bitch and it's her own stupid fault." This comment was strongly denied by Slim Fast lawyers though, and it turned out the spokesman was in fact a homeless man who was just standing around.Ms. Cromely seeks damages of $500,000.00 for medical bills needed to pump her stomach and re-attach the bitten and chewed finger. She is also seeking over 10 million for pain and suffering, and another 20 million for "Mental anguish, time lost from work, and family distress." Plus a replacement order of fries, and a manicure for the affected hand.The case is expected to enter the courts in early 2061, barring any delays.In a related note, Ms. Cromely did manage to lose 6 pounds on the Slim fast diet, and has, since the incident, given up fried chicken.
(Writers note: this is an original piece, written by me. it was inspired by two things. a funny comment I made to some friends while watching TV one night and seeing a Slim Fast commercial, and a web site called The Onion. The Onion is a truly funny site, filled with a lot of stuff just like this, and I wondered if I could write something in that vein. so I did. Hope you got a laugh from it.)